We are completely insane, I think, typing this all out.
2004-09-02
1:22 p.m.

I'm completely crazy. I wrote instructions for the house/ pet sitter this morning and it was like an intervention. I had to come to terms with how completely insane we are and how we let the animals get away with gross murder.

I submit the cat section as proof.

Zee Handbook of Housesitting

Allo. Zee most important aspect of housesitting is zee animals.

Cats:

Chelsea (striped, cross-eyed, friendly� very strange) � Chelsea has, er, toilet issues. We suspect that she�s peeing and pooping on the guest room bed. Nice! Feel free to sleep in our room, though I did give the guest room a hose-off and I�ve been keeping the door shut since I discovered this. Our room seems safe because Chelsea doesn�t like to go in there so much, because she hates Molly and Molly spends all her time in there.

Other places Chelsea pees and poops are basically anywhere but the litter box. We don�t get it and we�re working on it, as much as you can �work on� something like that. She usually (at least, before El Dog moved in) peed and pooped NEAR the litter boxes, which was nice (we have lower standards for her). She sometimes will still do that. All over the floor in the �basement� room on the first floor. And sometimes, to make a point, she�ll pee on the carpet in the living room. We just clean it up and make plans to replace the carpet should she ever stop, since the vet thought it was stress-related from the move. She hasn�t stopped yet, though. Nice. Sorry. Really, really sorry.

Maverick (orange, huge, loves laps. Is kind of a pain in the ass.) Maverick is pretty easy, except he gets special food on the dining room table. He has issues with blockage if he eats the regular formula Iams, so he�s on prescription food on a table he can get to but El Dog can�t, and the other cats are fed on the table with no chairs that Mr. Fat Pants can�t get to so he can�t snag their food and get sick.

Maverick sometimes throws up in his bowl. Freak.

Molly (striped with white cravat and feet, shy) It might take a few days for you to gain her trust. She�s very shy with new people. She eats in the closet in the master bedroom, on the top shelf. We are completely insane, I think, typing this all out.

And, finally, Chewy (black and white, general ass kicker of other cats). Chewy is the most normal of all the kitties. He has had the same bladder blockage issues as Maverick, but he seems okay now and is doing fine on normal food. He goes in the litter box, won�t be scared of you but won�t get in your face, and is just an all around normal, calm boy.

Things to watch out for: If Maverick or Chewy pees teeny weeny amounts in weird places, like the kitchen floor or in the living room, they could be having blockage. They should be okay, but if it (or anything else) does happen, call the vet. If it�s a weekend, take them to the animal ER.

Then the cat sitter came over and I gave her their laser, told her some of their favorite songs, and started to tell them about their backgrounds when I realized all she needs to know is where their food is and how much to feed them. Oops? Not everyone is as crazy as we are.