I have no bones.
2004-05-10
11:30 p.m.

In a desperate bid to avoid a repeat of The Time We Didn't Buy The Rapping Bunny At That Rest Stop In Connecticut Incident of 1999, I bought a talking hammerhead shark this weekend.

This plush, confident shark is the love child of Duff Man and the Moviefone guy (props to my friends for coining that one after the shark left them informative messages), and he says, "I'm a hammerhead shark. I make no sound." Except for talking. It also says: "I have no bones. My skeleton is made of cartilage," like it's this big advantage that it wrangled because of family connections. Which I guess it kind of is.

It totally kills me every time I play it. And every time I call my husband at work and play it for him. And every time I wait until he's almost asleep and set it off in the dark. And every time I call nearly every single one of my friends and family and have the shark leave them messages. And on the way to what is obviously going to be an intervention. But I love him. Oh, lovely shark Duff Man, when does The Prince and Me start.

I think I might go back and get the walrus.

I should probably get a job.

Yesterday was Mother's Day. I have a stepmother, a grandmother, a stepgrandmother, a mother-in-law, and a stepmother-in-law. The grandmother types are easy to shop for, but for the others? The cards do not exist. Or at least not where I looked.

All the stepmother ones (all 3 of them) are these long, elaborate poems with flowers and gardening implements and shit. All I need is one that says, "I noticed that my dad doesn't wear those jean shorts from Sears with striped knee socks anymore, so thanks for that. Thanks also for mostly staying out of my teen angst way. Oh, and Happy Mother's Day." Or, even, just "Happy Mother's Day" without a "Mom" tacked on, and maybe also without a mouse wearing a dress and a bonnet with a small cat in its pocket? (That's the one I bought. Which I guess is just reinforcing the idea that it's marketable.)

Can we please, Hallmark et al., acknowledge that it is the daughters in law who are buying the cards for the mothers in law? And that, cliched though it may be, we can't be sending/ sanctioning the sending of card tomes of bleating adoration because it would either 1) mess up our established bitchcraft or 2) be totally disingenous because we know that it's not all hearts and flowers (and mice in dresses)?

All I need for my mother-in-law is: "We don't have the best relationship, but I love you...(inside) ...r son." Or, seriously, anything BASIC. Not everyone's childhood is perfect, card makers and pushers! Please, for the love of god, give us appropriate cards. Please don't make us gush when both the recipient and the sender know that the gush is crap and shit happened but hey, they're our mother figures and we love them despite all of it. Mostly. Please, just more basic, simple "Happy Mother's Day." Possibly also a few "Do you really think anyone buys the martyr act?" Just for kicks.