Faux Food
2004-04-26
9:55 p.m.

I don't get it. I completely don't get it.

Fueled by a need to search for waffle-related items (are there such things?) on ebay to go along with the kick ass new waffle iron I just got, I came upon the most baffling thing ever: Fake Food.

I mean, I guess I knew that fake food existed. I'd seen it places, and been vaguely discomfitted by it. I'd never really put much thought into it.

The faux waffles selling for 17.99 (or, they're led to believe they can ask for $17.99) had me going down the Road of Why. Why? Also, Who? Additionally, where?

I really want to sit in on a marketing meeting for these things. Do people involved commit ritualistic suicide afterward, or do they sit around and wax nostalgic about the Fake Food Boom Days of the 80s, Spencer's Gifts, and the Set Decorator for My Two Dads? And what about the people who make them? Actually physically fill the molds, or, better, design the molds and paint them? Man in a bar: "I paint fake clown cupcakes for a living."

(By the way, my favorite part of that listing is, "This clown cupcake would make a great gift for that special someone in your heart.")

It would, you know. Make a special gift. Because what do you want more (BE HONEST) than a fake cupcake with a clown perched merrily atop it? Thats right: Nothing.

I weep for the archaeologists of the future, and their sad fate of attempting to make sense of this.