I'm real sorry your mom blew up, Ricky.
2003-06-20
9:37 a.m.

God, I have never been so pleased to have a week be over. Yesterday was Trial By Fire day that I have been dreading for months. I had to pull off this massive film/ photo shoot of this huge unwieldy group on top of the final day of filming for this video I've been working on for months. After mad last minute negotiations with many head honchos and an almost forced cancellation, we pulled it off. We have the shots, the filming is done. There was much rejoicing in the streets inside my head. I feel like I can breathe again.

I have piles and piles of work to do today, but it's all so happily mundane and solitary and it's been hanging over my head for ages and I'm actually excited to complete it. I am actually excited to do work. Ha. I am so lame. I have an organized pile on my desk and a checklist. I entered tasks into my Outlook calender. What the hell? I think I am possessed.

After the pre-stress about yesterday nearly wiped me out, I semi-flipped out on Wednesday night. Since I got back from vacation, I haven't been able to find my work badge, which is kind of a no-no. It was going to be especially hard to skulk around with a film crew and have any sort of I-Work-Here authority without a badge to prove it, so I started looking for the elusive thing. I hadn't gotten home until after 8:30, and 8 p.m. is my Resentment Bubbling Up Cutoff Point, so I was already in a delicate state.

I'd already looked for it a few times with no luck, so cut to me reshuffling all the mail and clutter and getting choked up. Then I went upstairs and ripped my duvet out of the duvet cover (because it was all bunched up and had been for weeks, but suddenly the bunched up duvet was more than I could handle and was very important at 11:30 at night when I had to get up at 5) and then I couldn't get it back in. I deal with stress well.

Do you have any idea what the street value of this mountain is?

So I decided that I would start looking for a new job, because 1) it seems to put me in a state like this on a regular basis, 2) it doesn't pay that much, really, and 3) the commute kind of sucks (1 hour each way on the T).

But now that the shoot went seamlessly and all is well, I'm questioning the whole moving on deal. I've been here almost exactly one year, which was the time I promised myself I'd stay when I started and it was awful. Since then, it's gotten a lot better (my office moved and my commute went to 1 hour from 2, I got a boss/ gatekeeper, and I actually get to do semi-interesting things), so I don't know what to do. Also, THERE ARE NO OTHER JOBS.

Hello, I'm a former software engineer (or, "software engineer") with a journalism degree. I used to work for a huge website that you've probably heard of that is pretty obsolete now, though in denial about that. Before that, I worked at a crap start-up that only started up because the owner (who is an idiot and a jackass and an abusive controlling freaknut boyfriend to my former best friend) got money from his indulgent parents, and since his parents can't fund enough to change reality forever or make a bad idea a good idea, it failed. (Ha ha.) I did a lot of internet things that seemed impressive at the time and just seem lackluster now, like silent films. Here's a shout out to Loci.com and 1997.

Anyway, my new job doesn't suck as much as I pretend it does. I get all kinds of crazy, varied experience and strange opportunities to prove myself. I'm shielded from crap economies as long as I make myself useful. I will have a lot to show and play off when I do decide to move on. Writing? Check. Science/ technical editing? Check. Video production? Check. Web production/ back-end? Check. Marketing? Czech. Anway. It could suck more and honestly that's what I'm most afraid of. That and moving on to a place that would then fold and lay me off. Okay then.

Tentacles. N-T. Big Difference.

Moving along. How freaking excited about this summers' movies am I? Legally Blonde 2, Charlie's Angels 2, the Hulk, etc. Hello? I will spend the whole summer in a theater if need be. God Bless America.

And to drink, Peru!

Random jump: Last night, while showing A. this journal entry that made me laugh so hard that I cried, we decided to look at The Onion for the first time in ages. He was driving, so he typed in http://wwwonion.com and was like, "It will work." It didn't, but MEGA BIBLE. Just as good.

Okay. On to that work I'm excited about. Dork. Peace out.