My monkey is off its rocker
2003-07-08
10:12 a.m.

I think the heat has been making my monkey crazy. (Is that courtesy of emmbee? Or amblus? I forget. Both of their monkeys are crazy.) It is also making my husband's primate one egg short of something that requires more than one egg. Or whatever. Case in point.

So, last night we tried to pay bills and get things together for refinancing, but I was Extremely Busy watching For Love or Money. I really couldn't focus on bills. I half-heartedly wrote checks during commercial breaks.

I can't imagine that I ever really whole-heartedly write checks, though. Especially not to Sears. God. When did I become a person with a Sears card? I love my washer and drier, that's true. I needed to have a fridge, yes. Life without a hot water heater would probably have sucked a lot. I know all this. But it doesn't mean that I don't want to shred the Sears card and all of its suburban loser baggage. Next I'll be driving a freaking Dodge Caravan and exasperatedly dispensing Capri Sun packets with one hand while furiously rubbing spit into a dirt-and-gum patch on one of my kids' chins. The balance isn't much because we've been paying it down (did you know that if you don't pay it off in a year from the first item you purchase, they make you pay interest on the initial balance for the WHOLE YEAR? Interest free my ass. Also, why is this information taking up space in my head? This is why I suck at pub trivia.) I miss the old apartment days when I thought mainly about walking to Rudy's for cocktails and maybe meeting my friends for Indian, which I could also walk to. God damn it, now I think about contractors and mortgage rates and, worst of all, it's all I talk about. I am the person you should avoid at parties. Unless you want to talk about taxes. And you don't. Unless you're the Keymaster. Okay, who brought the dog?

Sick and Wrong. Also, funny.

So, my friends and I have been discussing who should play Sirius Black in the movie. (This plus Sears card = 2 strikes?) Yes, I know Gary Oldman has been cast. I just realized how hilariously that mirrors Gary Coleman. I wonder if they live strangely mirrored lives, and don't even know it. Someone has probably made that joke before, so I won't take it further. I feel like I'm repeating something I heard in a standup routine that everyone else and their mother saw and pretending I just came up with it. Everyone knows I just watch the Half Hour Comedy Hour and that I'm not actually funny at all.

Anyway, so I say Billy Crudup. And then I am reminded that Billy Crudup isn't old. True. So then I blank all over the place. Whenever I blank on anything, I say What Would Google Do? So I searched for other people's Tripod-supported opinions. And what did I find? A ton of things that threatened a million pop-up ads and therefore I didn't click on, and FanFic. To the FanFic, I say: What? No, seriously, what? And it wasn't just FanFic, though that's sad enough. It was vaguely sexual FanFic. Here's the clip that came up in the search results:

"... And so, the five Griffindors marched up to their rooms, with Sirius muttering, 'Well, I still think that we should play strip something.'. ... "

Christ. What the ass? Seriously. CHILDREN'S BOOK. Thanks in advance for crawling back under your creepy rock. That's like that circa 1998 Scooby Doo forward that slowly descended into porn in such a way that made you not even realize it until you had Velma's panties burned on your whimpering brain.

Fan Fic freaks me out. I saw some dork hierarchy chart once that ranked dorky behavior from least dorky to most dorky. I think the most dorky category was Role Playing Furries Who Write Sexual In Nature Back to the Future FanFic. No kidding.

Linky

This website is hours of entertainment.